You know what I just remembered? We are half way through November (yes, I know it isn’t great to blackout when it comes to date & times), but I haven’t had my annual writer’s guilt until just right now.

You see, there is a challenge out there in the literary realm called NaNoWriMo. Yep. That’s what it’s called. For the uninitiated, NaNoWriMo stands for National Novel Writing Month. Essentially, it is a creative writing challenge wherein the month of November, the 1st through the 30th, writers attempt to put together 50,000 words that make up a novel. The idea is to focus on meeting a quantity-based word goal and not get so caught up in the quality, so by the time December 1st rolls around, you have a nice rough draft of your novel that you can now revise and edit. It is supposed to pull people out of writer’s block, get them over the hump so to speak, and NaNoWriMo is a website where the authors can find motivation and support from fellow challenge accepters. This is something that has been around since 1999 and now has produced over 2.8 million words. Over 600 books have been published as a result of this challenge, one at least has been made into a film (Water for Elephants anyone?!)!!

“What does this have to do with you?” is what you are most likely wondering, and the answer, my sweet pal, is that this is a challenge I have failed at least three times. I suppose you could actually call it 8 times, since I have failed to achieve this goal ever since I heard about it in November 2010 and thought it would be an amazing thing to try. In any case, there have been three years that I have actively tried and failed to follow through with conquering this challenge. I have three different novel concepts that I have tried to breathe life into and abandoned after a couple brief puffs.

You see, as a child, I was a voracious reader. I loved getting books from the library and visiting all sorts of new worlds and characters, getting lost in a book was a favorite hobby of mine. Because of this deep and true love of books, I have always wanted to make my own contribution to the library of the world. I wanted to write a book and transport my reader to another place, to make them fall in love with my characters, to coax them to understand a different perspective. Sometimes I’ve wanted to write a very deep feelings type of book, a book that would make someone reexamine the way they look at the world, the way they look at themselves. Sometimes I’ve wanted to write a historical fiction book to get a reader excited about a time in our past, to shed light on the way things were and the people that shaped history. Sometimes I’ve wanted to write a light comedic book, maybe about coming of age or a relationship or friendship - but something that made a reader laugh rather than cry. Sometimes I’ve wanted to combine all these interests at the same time, but as you can imagine that would be difficult to truly nail, especially in a first attempt.

My three novel fetuses either have a very wordy start that rambles on more about character and setting descriptions than any real narrative direction, or they have a skeletal outline of a narrative story, but that needs a lot of detail fleshed out, or truly just a person spinning out on trying to create something with no real creative motivation. Of the three, there is only one that I still think of with some wistfulness, a book idea that I still stand behind and am encouraged by. It is an idea that combines my love for a certain time period in American history with the wish to write a coming of age story that takes place in two different periods, giving me the opportunity to have levity about the present with reverence for historical fact in respect to the past. It was a novel I attempted in 2016 and it is the most fleshed out with a true basic arc and beginning, middle, and end. Sadly, I did not make it through week two. I found it very hard to stay consistent, to spit out 1,667 words per day. It is a daunting task, especially with a full-time job, trying to keep up relationships with my friends and family, trying to keep a failing romantic relationship alive - this coupled with the urge to continually edit my work - it was a formula of failure. I stopped writing it, I abandoned my tiny novel seedling and left her in the dark.

Here we are, three years later. A lot has changed between then and now, and the fact that I have not even thought about the fact that it is the NaNoWriMo month until halfway through is so strange. Typically I feel the pangs to pick the project up again, the guilt that I am not stepping toward achieving one of my lifetime dreams. Maybe I have finally made peace with the fact that this challenge has not been a success for me? Maybe I have had different priorities in my current state of life? Maybe I simply have received fewer emails about this month, so there was nothing really to jog my memory. In any case, perhaps now that I am remembering it right now, maybe that is my little teeny tiny baby novel idea waving her tinsy hand out to me saying “HELLO, REMEMBER ME!!! I’M STILL HERE TRYING TO BECOME A FULL GROWN GIRL!”. But maybe this time I will try to relieve some internal pressure. Maybe this time I will trust my instincts, go with my gut and let the words flow out. I won’t beat myself up if I do not reach a certain number by a certain time. I will respect my own limitations while also striving to do the best that I can. Maybe I can use NaNoWriMo as a soft inspiration, a plan I can adapt to fit my own needs.

Whatever happens, let the record show I have one good idea I would like to expand on and a lifelong dream to be realized. Believe in me!!!!! Believe in yourself!!! Let’s work towards our dreams and not waste any more time having that horrible feeling of guilt creeping over our brains and hearts.

Perhaps I would feel more inclined to write my great American novel in a grand and gorgeous room. Anyone know how to make my rental house look like this at no additional cost to myself? Let your girl know.