On being vulnerable

Being vulnerable can be the scariest thing in the world. It’s personal and emotional and all around strange. Especially if you like to keep your walls up and your heart well guarded against judgement of any kind.

In middle school, I did not even like to tell classmates what kind of music I listened to. Not because I thought what I liked was embarrassing, so to speak, but because it was a window into a part of me that at the time I was not sure I felt comfortable sharing. It was much easier to agree with someone on what they liked and asking them additional questions about themselves - that way I never had to really show my hand. This is a trait that has helped me in terms of getting to know other people, being an active listener and the kind of person that can keep a conversation’s momentum, but it most certainly does not help people get to know me.

With that said, as I have grown, I feel confident in the person that I am and am unafraid to live my life the way that I see fit, without fear of judgement or rejection from those around me. Getting older and overcoming obstacles obviously helps put things in perspective, but being vulnerable can still be terrifying.

This brings me to writing and my relationship with it -

I used to keep a journal as I was growing up to chronicle my own life, to write things down as a way to remember them, but also to work out my problems, to get my worries and struggles out of my head and onto the page. As a middle schooler, this was to work out my crushes on boys, my difficulties in school, and whatever else I had hanging over my head. (PS is this post sponsored by my middle school memories? Tween girlhood is certainly on the brain today.) Although I was not an avid entry writer (I typically turned to Journal when I was upset or FEELING SOMETHING VERY BIG, but there is the occasional “just checking in” entry - some things never change), I did manage to get some of my precious secrets down in writing.

It must be mentioned that I have a little brother. As you may know, little brothers can tend to be mischievous little scamps, all a flurry trying to get into your business because they in fact idolize you and are obsessed with you *Mariah Carey hairflip*. My tiny brother was that type, and because of this, when he came across a book of my handwritten hidden thoughts and musings, he simply had to tear into it and memorize every word. Our parents raised us to be readers after all. Of course, as people typically do when they have done something wrong, he tipped his hand indicating that he had read my journal. It came through in a very subtle way, where when we were having an argument he declared loudly and confidently that he knew exactly who I had a crush on and SHOUTED HIS NAME. My heart stopped. There is no way he could have gained this parcel of information without going through my stuff. I was furious of course - I’m certain he had to apologize millions of times to get back in my good graces (I was / am a bit of a monster, it’s a character flaw), but ultimately I got over it and we moved on. He was a kid! Impulse control is challenging! He loved me and wanted to be closer to me! Also it is fun to torture your siblings! With all of that said, it put me off writing in a journal. Why place all your thoughts and feelings in something that can ultimately betray you? Talk about showing my hand!

Look at that tenny tiny little impish face - full of grand ideas about how to be best friends with his sister but also how to torture her & push her buttons in the way that only a little brother can. Also, check out Mom, the lovely lady who made us happen!

We got over that hurdle and are very close now, as you can obviously tell by these very cool and fun matching t-shirts that we have.

I did not really create any new journal entries for many years, and this was even after I could come up with better hiding places and my brother had his own life to live and his own journal entries to potentially write. I just did not return to the practice for a long time - not throughout high school where I went through many a trial and tribulation. I was an active participant of the cross country and track team, so perhaps instead of writing my troubles down I just channeled my frustrations pounding the pavement for miles upon miles. In any case, I survived and thrived in the high school years despite these tribulations, and went off to college with confidence and my head held high. I started to write entries again - I wasn’t running all the time anymore, I was away from home for the first time, and things were different! Feelings were had that needed to be processed, and I went back to my old pal Journal.

Journal was especially utilized when I studied abroad the first semester of my junior year. I was in a long-distance relationship with my first serious college boyfriend, I was living in a different country where I only knew one other person, and I was fresh into a new decade of my life - my 20s! Trust me, feelings were abound and plenty, and they needed a place to go!! I loved being in Prague, I loved my friends in my program, I loved the newfound freedom that I had, but I was also very homesick. My journal was filled with entries of straddling the fence of these two sides of my brain - the one that wanted to live presently in the moment and enjoy all of it, and the one that wanted to be back at school with my boyfriend and my friends, only a short hour and a half away from my family. Journal helped me work these two sides out, even if it was only to map out exactly what my feelings were. Of course, a lot of personal details went into it, Journal was my best friend in this foreign country (I also had my new pal Grace, a wonderful human in my program and my spiritual and emotional counterpart in so many ways, but Journal knew me a little better).

My wonderful friend Grace, and myself in our shared home, the gorgeous and enchanting Prague!! It was a beautiful place to be with a person that I clicked with almost immediately - we got lucky! Sadly but also happily, I do not have any pictures of myself with my friend Journal. That would be odd, but maybe kind of cute and quirky? But definitively odd, I know.

As I mentioned, I had a long-distance boyfriend at the time. To give you some context, he and I met the spring semester of our sophomore year through a mutual friend. We started spending time together late in the semester, but it got serious fast. As it happened, he had had his eye on me for a while, and had developed a crush from a far. I learned later that he was begging our friend to introduce us, and at the time that was very flattering to me. His immediate devotion was exciting, albeit overwhelming. We went from zero to sixty, and the next thing I knew I was leaving my sophomore year with a bona fide boyfriend.

Internally, I was conflicted, because while the attention was wonderful and I did fancy myself in love as I was in a serious, committed relationship that was mature, I did not really want to go on a semester abroad with a boyfriend. that had never been in my plan, never something that I had envisioned when applying to this program. I would be in a different time zone, at a different school with all new people - I did not want to pigeonhole myself and be tied down. I tried to explain this to him, and I know I used much more vague terminology to soften that blow (which probably made things even more complicated), but he was not having it. He was extremely upset, so distraught that his dream girl was trying to shake him off this quickly, it wasn’t long before I started back tracking.

I tried to compromise, proposing that we stay in a relationship and stay in communication, but in the meantime if something happened with someone else it would not be a big deal. A real “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy. It was one semester away, it was the trip of a lifetime, and ultimately it was a new relationship that was already primarily long distance, as we lived in different states in the summers. I did not want to be tethered to it, but selfishly, I also wanted something to come home to, a relationship to rejoin back at school. I will tell you this, he did not like that proposed strategy either. He told me that there was nobody else, there would be nobody else, he would not even have fun the semester that I was away. He would never dream of looking at another girl.

Instead of giving me relief, I felt more suffocated than I had ever felt. I told him that if that’s how he wanted to operate that was his prerogative, but I would not be living that way. I would be living in the moment and taking things as the come, not closing myself off and taking a vow of solitude, and I told him as much (I was a cold person then, but at least I was honest?? …it’s not great).

Ultimately we both chose to observe different versions of our haphazard solution. He was going to bury his head in the sand until my return, and I was going to Skype with him almost every day, but I did not feel the need to tell him everything. It was a double edge sword - I did communicate with him everyday, but with me not having a cellphone and us being 6 hours apart, it was a challenge, and it took a lot out of me. It was hard to schedule these calls, I was either about to go to class or about to go out for drinks or spend time with my classmates out in the city while he was going to bed or about to go to class. It made me feel guilty if I couldn’t be available for a videochat, or that I was having a fun time and he was not. It is hard to wrestle with those emotions and also not be able to call your mom when you are walking around and feeling lonely.

In this time, Journal was there for me. I had so many emotions that I needed to push out just so I could feel normal. I wrote about my frustrations with my boyfriend, my questioning of our relationship, my growing feelings for a boy in my program - someone Uncomplicated that I saw everyday - a person that made me laugh and liked getting out into the city and exploring - I was ready for uncomplicated and exploration!

Well dear Reader, if you are still with me, I think we both know what happened next. I kissed him! Of course I kissed him. You knew this was coming, I knew this was coming, we all knew it was just a matter of time (if we are being honest, a couple of times). And guess who knew all about it? Journal. Guess who didn’t hear a word? Long-Distance Boyfriend (we will call him LDB from here on out).

That’s right, I had held onto the plan I proposed when breaking up was not an option. I justified this to myself internally because I had in fact told him that this was to be my plan all along. It got complicated when he would ask, and I still would not tell. All that guilt that I was already feeling prior to the smooches was compounded by the thousands. This eventually led me to break it off with Uncomplicated, just in time for LDB to come for a visit. Dun dun dun!!!! (I know this story is long, but I am getting to the point and still feel the need to justify my actions, so here we are, I truly apologize.)

When I picked LDB up from the airport it was joyous reunion - something that we had been talking about for a long time and (mostly) looking forward to. But of course, that initial happiness could only last for so long when there were clearly some issues that needed to be addressed. I still had to attend class while he was there, so he had some free time to wander around our apartment and hang out. As you know, The Devil works in idle hands or whatever, so of course LDB “stumbled” upon my great friend, Journal (I was in a shared room, not a lot of space for secret hiding spaces - also was naive in trusting a concerned control freak who could tell something was amiss). Oh the secrets he found out!

When I returned home he was acting very erratically. Just running around, behaving strangely, trying to deflect from the hurt he felt because he knew he would have to own up to the fact that he invaded my privacy. In any case, I saw right through it. He had to admit that he had read my journal and he knew everything. I WAS FURIOUS. He was a kid grown man! Impulse control is challenging rightfully expected of an adult! He loved me and wanted to be closer to me intruded where he was not invited! Also it is fun to torture your siblings extremely wrong to invade your partner’s sense of privacy and our relationship was obviously not strong for hundreds of reasons, but a relationship without trust is not a relationship! We fought all night - He was mad because of my actions with Uncomplicated, I was overcome with rage about the fact that this man was making me miserable with his controlling actions and black & white point of view.

I also felt like I was a terrible person because I had done something Wrong, and knew that I had hurt him. I did not like feeling that way. I guess, at that time, it kind of felt like he had evened the playing field again - we had both Wronged each other. We moved on from it and dated for three or four more years (why?? why!! why?!?!) - but there was always a seed of mistrust planted into the foundation of relationship, and I did not write in a journal again for years.

These days, I do not keep a physical journal. I cannot bring myself to do it anymore, even though I know that it will not be violated. I still like to write my feelings down, but I do it in different places (sorry, cannot reveal, been burned too many times pal!). In spite of this or because of it, I have grown into a more open & vulnerable person. It is not always easy, but I would prefer to be honest, to live without guilt hanging over my head. It is good to map out feelings and emotions on paper, but it is also good to go directly to the source of what is causing these issues, to talk about it out loud. Sharing with a journal can be therapeutic and it is certainly a good way to reflect and remember your life, but it should not be the only way to be vulnerable.

Maybe I still have some remnants of resentment because I do not have a comprehensive journal of my life thus far. Maybe I learned this the hard way so you don’t have to. Ultimately, what I do have is the knowledge that while being vulnerable about my thoughts and opinions can be challenging and scary, it is always rewarding. It is a good thing to extend yourself to another human being - to get to know them and let them get to know you. This vulnerability allows us to understand each other on a deeper level, and that is what enriches our lives.

It is a long life, so why not make it the most interesting thing it could possibly be?

These are pictures just to remind you that I once lived in Europe, so why not give you a little something nice to look at - visit Prague if you ever get the chance.