sorting through grief

Grief is a tricky beast - it comes in many forms, and it manifests differently in each of us. It warps and fades with time, but it is always present, like a tattoo on the skin. It can be used to describe a simple annoyance or a deep loss, which is so interesting as those things are on opposite sides of the spectrum.

Grief has been heavy on my mind recently, and it is not an emotion I am typically comfortable accessing. I am the kind of person that uses humor to process probably all experiences, but this is especially challenging when processing a great loss. For me, it’s always better to remember the good times that I have shared with someone who has passed on, it’s easier than seriously sitting in that feeling of loss. But it is one of those things that will always catch up with me in the end. It’s impossible to escape that overwhelming feeling of sorrow.

When I was a sophomore in college, I lost one of my favorite people in the world, my Papa. It was an unexpected death, he and my Nana had just returned from a trip to Paris, they had played a round of golf the day before he died of a heart attack. My immediate feeling was shock & truthfully a numbness. It was a difficult event to process; the first death that truly affected me in a deep and meaningful way. He was a hero of mine - a funny and kind man that had a slew of impressions and hilarious stories to share, and even though he had a bit of a short temper, I never questioned his love for me, his love for his family.

Losing him was like losing a stone in the foundation of my core. After his funeral I had to return to college, return to my life. This was when the reality of his death finally sank in for me. It would continue to hit me that he was no longer with us and that pain would rush back to suffocate me and weigh heavily on my shoulders. I was scared of that feeling - it was so intense and all-consuming and hard to control. I thought it would never dull, I thought it would be like this always. It is true what they say - time heals all wounds.

This year marks the 10th anniversary of our loss of the patriarch of our family. The pain is still there, but at this time it has dulled considerably. I still think about my Papa, but he doesn’t really visit me in my dreams anymore. Maybe that is because I don’t need him as much now, and know that it is ok for him to move on. I’ve grown up a lot since he left this world - I’ve graduated college, I’ve moved to a different state, I’ve worked 5 different jobs in different industries, had 10 roommates, 3 breakups, 1 engagement. My life has continued, I have grown, change is a constant. I think that change is what helps us continue to move on with our lives after suffering a devastating loss. Grief can be a white-hot pain for a long time, but it will eventually dim. It has to. Life goes on, and the living need to continually move and change with it.

Grief looks and feels different for everyone. My advice for dealing with it would be to do what feels right to you in the moment - If you want to talk about your feelings, talk about them. If you want to laugh and remember all the good times you had with your loved one, laugh as hard and loud as you want to. If you want to write your feelings down and never share them with anyone else, that’s fine, write it out. The good news is there is not a wrong way to grieve. The bad news is it will hurt a lot, and it will hurt for a long time.

Fortunately, time will be your friend in this. Time will smooth those wrinkles, time will ease that pain, time will give that hard edge a curve. Be patient with yourself, be patient with those around you. Grieve in a way that gives you a release, because that release will eventually lead to peace.

Here you will find my Papa with all of his grandchildren and his beloved wife. He was a great grandfather, someone that would make us laugh, would take us to the movies & the beach, someone that we could love and trust. He was an incredible person that overcame a lot of adversity in his life, a person that I have admired as long as I have been able to form memories. I miss him and think of him, and would love to get his opinions on what is happening in the world, in our family, in my life. I would love to have a bowl of his famous spaghetti and meat sauce one last time, and perhaps I will get that chance in another life. Love you always Papa!